Over the past few weeks, I’ve had increased feelings of anxiety over nothing really specific, just life in general. For some reason, my brain decided that Saturday, July 30, was The Day!
to determine the cause and find a resolution. It has been wearing me down, since my feet touched the floor.
What I’ve managed to eliminate as possible reasons are:
- Health: Other than the ungodly summer heat and age-induced aches and pains, my health is good.
- Money: While I have never had what could be described as disposable income, the bills are paid on time, there is food in the pantry, and I’m not doing without.
- Employment: It was just announced this past Friday, that the Good Sisters have acquired 75 clinics in Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas, with approximately 150 physicians, and my building will do all billing for professional services. My job isn’t going anywhere.
- Family: All good – the remaining siblings are in good health, their children are in good health, Leslie and the wiener kids are as good as good can be, everyone is safe, etc. I have no reason to stress over them.
Without going into great detail, I picked apart any other possible situation that could contribute and when that was a bust, I started working backward – trying to determine when all of this started. It dawned on me that it was just about the time a new lady joined the team at work.
D sits at the desk opposite mine and the way our office is set up, we’re basically isolated from the rest of the team, so we talk quite a bit. D is doing well learning the specifics for her job, and most of the time, she’s a very enjoyable co-worker. D is also a very devout Christian of the Southern Baptist flavor. I found this out right away . . .
When we discuss certain things, like watching Paranormal State, or listening to Led Zepplin and have differing opinions, she usually presents her case, backs it up with scripture, and gives me an object lesson – one that happened to her personally, or to a close acquaintance.
It suddenly dawned on me that I’ve been paying attention to her and it is inspiring all the same fears and self doubts I felt as a kid, when we went to church and the pastor would scream at us from the pulpit. Paranormal State is a fun show to watch, I enjoy it immensely, but if I believe that some people can truly communicate with the dead, will I go to Hell?
Do you see where I’m going with this?
At age 18, I got away from the well meaning, but manipulative, self righteous people of my youth, and worked for years learning to trust my reasoning abilities and gut instincts about what is right and wrong. Now, after being exposed to it again for just a few short weeks, I’m back to being afraid all the time.
Please understand, I am taking full responsibility for this. D is a decent person and doing what she was taught, and she believes is the right thing. She’s sharing her testimony and ministering. I just have to listen politely and remember what I know is the true and right thing for me.
You folk just have to send me some extra strength! 🙂 🙂